Navigating Grief and Parenting
Grief Through a Child’s Eyes
Grief for children is often unfiltered. While we, as adults, might try to compartmentalize or manage our emotions, children remind us that it’s okay to cry, laugh, be angry, or ask hard questions—all at the same time. In fact, they seem to be the most natural at it. Mark Twain once said, “Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion, a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same size.”
Our job as parents is to give them permission to feel, to not minimize their emotions, and to model what it means to be seen in our vulnerability. It’s okay for them to know that we’re sad too, and that sometimes we don’t have all the answers. It’s okay to let them see us cry. We often think we need to “hold it together” for our children, but in doing so, we risk teaching them that grief must be hidden. The reality is, they learn from us how to process their own emotions.
Acknowledging Loss and Holding Space
One of the most important things we can do is to acknowledge the loss—no matter how big or small it may seem to us. For a child, the death of a grandparent or the knowledge that their parent is ill is a profound event. They need to know that their feelings are valid, that it’s okay to ask questions, and that it’s okay to have fun in between the waves of sadness. Grief isn’t linear, and neither is parenting through it.
Recently, I recorded a short video about kids and grief, feeling compelled to share what I was witnessing as our daughters processed the news. One thing became very clear: they need to know that their emotions are welcome, and they need to know that we, as their parents, are strong enough to hold it all. Even when we don’t feel that way ourselves.
But what happens when our own cup is empty or overflowing? That’s when reaching out for support is so important. Whether it’s friends, family, or professionals, we need those moments of care so that we can show up for our children with a little more grace.
Giving Ourselves Permission
Grief is something that most of us haven’t been taught to navigate, and often, we’re hard on ourselves when we don’t know what to do. But there is strength in seeing ourselves as we are—enough, as is. This is something I love exploring with others: how to lessen the harshness we put on ourselves and, in turn, create more space for healing, both for ourselves and for our children.
As parents, we want to convey to our kids that it’s okay to be messy in their emotions, just as we are. Giving ourselves permission to be seen in our grief is a gift to them.
Resources for the Journey
If you’re in the thick of grief—whether it’s from illness, loss, or something else entirely—here are a few books that have helped me navigate my own path:
It's Ok That You're Not Ok (by Megan Devine): A powerful exploration of grief after the loss of a loved one.
Bearing the Unbearable (by Joanne Cacciatore): A deep dive into traumatic grief, including the loss of a child.
Motherless Daughters (by Hope Edelman): This book helped me understand my own relationship with my mother.
The Wild Edge of Sorrow (by Francis Weller): An exploration of grief as sacred work.
If you don’t have time to read them or have more questions about navigating grief and parenting, feel free to reach out. Sometimes, a listening ear is exactly what we need to move forward, even just a little bit.
Remember: It’s Okay to Laugh (and Cry)
Grief isn’t something we need to “fix,” especially when we’re also holding space for our children’s feelings. It’s okay to laugh amidst the tears, to find joy even when sadness is present, and to ask for help when we’re overwhelmed. Parenting through grief is a unique challenge, but in embracing the messiness of it, we create deeper connections with our children and with ourselves.
You're not alone in this. And it's okay to feel it all.
